S. seemed especially inebriated. I had known S. for a couple of years and never seen her like this. Her head lolled from side to side, she could barely keep her eyes open, and her speech was slurred. I asked her if she was okay; if she needed me to help her to the restroom. She said no and that she maybe she just needed to eat something.

We ordered dinner: braised short ribs, truffle fries, and I don’t remember what else. The food arrived and we began to eat. But D. and I looked over at S. from time to time, alarmed when she dropped her head into her hands.

Finally, S. vomited. Right at the table.

We hurriedly paid the bill and left, ushering S. outside where she threw up into the bushes.

I was concerned for S., but also felt a tickle of irritation when I thought that I didn’t even get to order dessert.  We put S. into a taxi and sent her home.  D. and I proceeded with our night, going to another bar and later, dancing.

What was interesting were people’s reactions when I told them what happened. Most people felt the way D. did:  that S. was way too old (41) to be acting like that and not having the wherewithal to puke in the bathroom. They thought S. was disgusting and horrible for ruining my birthday dinner. 

But my best friend, G., who lives across the country, was more understanding.  ”Oh my god, she must have been really drunk.  Poor thing must feel so bad.”

I was surprised by G’s empathy towards S. “Don’t you think it’s gross that she threw up at a table in the middle of the restaurant?” I asked G.  ”Yeah, but she must have been really out of it if she couldn’t even get up and go.” G. said, refusing to criticize S. as everybody else had been.

I wanted to be more like G. (compassionate) than D. (condemning). I was aware of the need to judge; to look at someone’s actions and think, “I would never do something like that.” But who’s to say none of us will ever make a mistake? And when it happens, I can only hope that people are as forgiving as G.

Joel was obviously smitten with Katie Lee.  She is tall, brunette and gorgeous. She looks like a sexier, modern day version of the actress Katherine Ross. When Oprah asked whether it was love at first sight, Katie Lee said, “It was more like love at first bite” because she and Joel both love to eat and they connected as they shared a meal at dinner.

She described growing up in West Virginia surrounded by her extended family, cooking in the kitchen and helping her granny make biscuits.  Katie Lee emanates a sweetness that makes it hard to dislike her. But, oh the little green monster reared its head when she showed the audience around the West Village apartment that Nate Berkus decorated for them. Their home was large, spacious, stylishly and graciously decorated. It must have cost millions to buy an apartment like that and have it professionally decorated.

Now 27, Katie Lee’s cookbook is being published by Simon & Schuster. She has aspirations to be a television personality and did a stint as the host of the first season of Top Chef.  (I remember her as a stunning looking woman who was a bit wooden when she spoke.) She is also a correspondent for the tabloid show, Extra, and appeared on Iron Chef America.

As I sat there eating Cheez-Its and watching Joel and Katie Lee talk to Oprah on her couch, I thought:  Would all of these things happened to her if she were not the third Mrs. Joel?  Would she have married a man old enough to be her father if he weren’t famous and rich?  Is she really in love with him–like really and passionately in love? Does she ever look at younger, more physically handsome men and think they’re hot? I scrutinized whether she and Joel held hands, how she looked at him, how often they touched. Joel looked clearly in love with her. He seemed rather proud of the young, beautiful, charming wife sitting next to him.

“I bet she only married him because he’s Billy Joel,” I found myself thinking, rather unkindly. “He only married her because she’s beautiful.” “He wouldn’t have been able to get a girl like that if he weren’t rich and famous.”  ”Nate Berkus wouldn’t be friends with her if she were a nobody (like me).” “She’s only getting all these opportunities because she’s Billy Joel’s wife.” 

Oh, the thoughts wouldn’t stop. I realized I was still having them this morning as I made the coffee.  ”What is this need to judge people?” I asked myself.  I thought of a friend who is constantly judging people, condemning their mistakes and castigating them for their faults, foibles and lack of foresight–not to them, but to me.  (What does she say about me when I’m not around?)

I once read an interview with Deepak Chopra where he said that he does not have judgmental thoughts because they just clutter his mind and keep it from being empty, clear and open to receiving inner guidance and inspiration.  That makes sense; I get it.

But it doesn’t explain the psychological satisfaction the average human being derives from judging another human being.  I’m susceptible to it too, and I don’t like myself when I do it.

We judge people, I concluded, because it somehow makes us feel better about ourselves.  If we put someone else down–”she only got that book deal because she’s married to someone famous”–it makes us feel a little less loser-ish if we don’t have an equally fabulous life or achieved equally impressive things yet. But it’s only a false and temporary sense of feeling better that we get. Sooner or later, there will be someone else to feel jealous about and condemn in your mind. A more real and peaceful place to be is to wish the person well, marvel at their accomplishment, or just feel nothing or neutral about the whole thing.

That is where I ended up after being honest with myself about the Billy and Katie Lee Joel interview.  I have no idea if she’s madly, truly, deeply in love with him, but I hope she is.  Maybe she did hit the jackpot when she married him and eased into a life of extreme wealth and comfort.  Well, good for her.  I hope I can create such a beautiful home for myself one day.  

Who are we to judge other peoples’ lives?  It may look great from the outside, but nobody’s life is perfect, and I’m sure Katie Lee has her challenges. Now, after that mental tussle over the morning coffee, I can honestly say I don’t feel jealous or judgmental when I think of Katie Lee Joel.  I just think, what a marvel her story is that she serendipitously met a legendary musician and it changed her whole life.  How interesting the ways of the universe.  I wonder what it has in store for ME????